Have you ever wondered why so many drivers are frustrated with the trucking companies that they work for? Are you jealous of how happier drivers listen to every word they say about their terrible carrier? If you want to get the pity from happy drivers that you deserve, get active about finding a trucking job that you will surely hate! Follow these six simple steps and you will be well on your way to a job that sucks.
Step 1: Jump at Your First Job Offer
When you apply for a job and get a call back from a recruiter, go with the one who calls first! Don’t wait to see who else gets in touch. Take it and don’t ask too many questions. Asking too many good, relevant questions will make the recruiter think you are a nerd who cares too much about his career! The best way to get a job that sucks is to show the recruiter that you don’t care about specifics and you will allow them to take advantage of you on every aspect of the job.
Step 2: Quit Early and Often
If you’ve got a job that you don’t especially like but you’ve only had it a few months, quit it! Now! And remember, you don’t have to give any reason other than “shove it.” Reputable companies care about a driver’s work history, but the companies that will have you constantly complaining don’t give a lick!
Step 3: Complain
Gripe often and loudly. Gripe to your dispatcher. Gripe to the fuel desk cashier. Gripe to new employees and warn them what they’re in for. Your supervisor will appreciate having a man with an attitude. There are never enough of those in trucking. Certain companies may want happy, agreeable drivers, but if you want a career that will keep you constantly complaining, showing your discontent is a great way to win over the favor of recruiters.
Step 4: Drive Like a Maniac
Cut in front of other drivers, particularly small cars. Use your horn whenever you feel like it. Roar past slowpokes and shoot ‘em the bird. Your truck is bigger than the other cars on the road, which clearly makes you more important. Drivers will probably look out for you, but if they don’t, screw ‘em! Forget the 1-800 “how’s my driving” number on the back of your truck too, it’s not like anyone pays attention to that anyway!
Step 5: Set Your Own Schedule
You’re a trucker because you love the freedom of the road, right? Inside your truck, you’re king, right? So act like it! Slow down and smell the fumes. Take a five-mile detour so you can meet up with a bud at Mamie’s Road Hog Café. So sometimes you’re a little late on a drop-off. Live for the moment! Or at least for a second slice of Mamie’s Famous Pecan Pie with a side of Reddi-Wip. It is very important to make a good impression on a recruiter by running late and using excuses like, “I was busy.”
Step 6: Look Like a Slob
Truckers are the last cowboys, right? And did you ever see a tidy cowboy? When you’re out there wrangling gear, you ain’t got time to play dress-up! Reputable trucking companies may want drivers to take care of themselves physically, but the companies you are trying to attract don’t care what you look like! Cut-off jean shorts or sweat pants and stained tank tops are a great way to represent the company you drive for.
So there you are, Six Steps to On-the-Job Misery. Individually, none of ‘em may be career killers. Together, they guarantee that you will be miserable regardless of who is dumb enough to hire you!